I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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