I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
