nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
