made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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