I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
