sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
