i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
