Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
The beer is more important than you right now.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
These tits shall not be calmed
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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