Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
