Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
