this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
