I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize