tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
