totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
There's always time for handjobs
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
