I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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