Your face is a jimmy john
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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