Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
