so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm both gender and math confused
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
