He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
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