we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
