I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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