a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
