took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
not ubering you a puppy
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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