i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
