i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
