im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
