I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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