I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
