I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
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You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
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i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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