checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
