when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
