I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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