i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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