A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
