do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
