The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
