did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
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