Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
