Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
