What did we do last night that was yellow?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
