I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
