I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
