Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
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