Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
wanna go halves on a baby?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
