I accidentally burped into my bong.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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