My friends, they love my intelligence
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
