I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
