worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
