i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
