Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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