you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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