Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
