As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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