I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
it glows. i had to have it.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
