I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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