Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Randomize
