DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Randomize
