I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize