Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
